Grieving is a Process

Devastating Grief

Today at my church the minister said something that made me think hard about my responses to people who have experienced grief. He talked about a young couple who had the traumatic experience of a miscarriage and were in the throes of tremendous grief. The young man was understandably angry at the comments of people who came to offer consolation at the time. Instead of understanding the grief, they offered simple clichés to the couple like “God just wanted another angel.” He told the minster “What cliché have you come to offer me!?”

Now, I don’t think the young man was in any way condemning the people for trying to offer support. That is commendable in all ways. I think he just felt angered by some of the comments that came off as flippant. My minister said that when he told the young man that he thought the situation sucked (his exact words) and that he was only there to offer his support, the young man’s entire countenance changed and he invited my minister in to talk.

Responses to Grief

This really got me thinking – how many times have I offered my condolences to someone and it came off as a pat cliché? I am one of the world’s worst people at funerals. I get tongue-tied and find myself saying things that I know aren’t helpful, such as “He’s in a better place now.” Yes, he is, but that doesn’t really help the person grieving, does it? I’m learning to simply say, “I am so sorry that you have had this terrible loss.” This lets them know that I realize it is a loss and that it HURTS. Pain is pain. And even if the person who passed away had been in terrible pain and his suffering is at an end, it doesn’t lessen the pain that the ones left behind feel.

Another thing I’ve noticed about my response to grief is that as soon as the person who is grieving begins to act normally again, I stop offering comfort. From my recent experience with a devastating grief, I’ve found that just because someone starts to act normally, it does not mean that they are no longer hurting. Grief is not a fun place to stay, and at some point, you have to move out of that pit. But, it doesn’t mean that the person is no longer in pain or that they don’t still need me and my support.

Grief: Beyond the Superficial

So, what can we do to offer support to our friends who are in grief? If we can’t offer them traditional responses, what CAN we do? I’ve found that the best thing to do is to offer them open arms and let them cry it out. Also, not to say, “If you need anything, ask!” because they won’t. Just figure out what they might need and do it. During the last three months, the best response I’ve gotten to my grief has been the constant emails that one of my friends sends me saying, “I love you and I’m thinking about you today.” It always brightens my day, and I’m sure it does hers as well.

Will I always offer the best response? Probably not, but thinking about what I say before I say it will help me out. So, the next time I find someone who is in grief, I plan to stop and think before I respond to his/her grief.